


Now and Then

by Threshie



Series: Friends and Lovers [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Body Horror, Caring Dean Winchester, Caring Sam Winchester, Castiel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Castiel in the Bunker, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Forehead Touching, Gentle Kissing, Guilty Castiel, Holding Hands, Hurt Castiel, M/M, Multi, Neck Kissing, POV Castiel, Podfic Welcome, Polyamory, Post-Leviathans, Sharing a Bed, Team Free Will, Touchy-Feely, Underwater, WinCasWin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 13:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14333916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Threshie/pseuds/Threshie
Summary: Cas has gotten comfortable with sharing the Winchesters’ beds, and they seem happy with their arrangement. The angel still sometimes has flashbacks, though -- and doubts.





	Now and Then

Cas had asked them to do it. He was getting bolder and bolder about pushing his boundaries lately, and one way to do that was to be in bed with both of the brothers at once. Sex was still a wishful thought, but taking clothes off no longer triggered panic the way it once had. Cas hadn’t thought that what they were doing would have ever been possible, but in spite of everything — Heaven’s conditioning, past trauma, miscommunication, everything — he and the two hunters were maintaining their vee relationship to everybody’s satisfaction.

Until tonight.

It had started the same as most nights did when Cas wanted both of the brothers close. They had all laid down in one of the beds — the one in Castiel’s room in the bunker — and Sam and Dean had been gentle and patient with him, removing the blue pajama set one piece at a time and showering him with touches and kisses. Feeling both of their hands caressing over his skin was bliss, and he’d laid back in the pillow, closed his eyes to focus on Sam’s lips against his neck, Dean’s hands stroking down his sides…

And then he wasn’t in bed anymore.

He was underwater, the surface just a few feet above his head. The bottom was murky enough to blot out most of the light, and even though he didn’t really need air to breathe, the sensation of the thick viscous liquid filling his mouth and nose triggered panic.

The lake. Leviathans writhing inside of him, threatening to burst out into the water. The impossible pressure, the pain, the thick sludgy slowness of being suspended with the surface and the light just out of his reach…

It was not real, he told himself. The muffled sound of things moving around him in the water made him shudder, but he repeated it to himself. It was not real. He was with Sam and Dean. He was SAFE. He closed his eyes against the sight of something dark and slimy and full of teeth sliding its way out of his own mouth. 

“…Here, Cas. We’re right here.” Dean’s voice faded into his awareness from very close to his left. Cas felt arms around him from Dean’s side, bodies pressed close up against both of his sides. Sam’s hands, he realized, were slowly petting his hair and neck. 

When he blinked his eyes open tearily, the younger brother met his gaze with hazel eyes that were full of concern and fear. Sam smiled for him, though, to reassure him.

“Hey, there you are. Whatever you were seeing, it’s over, okay? It’s okay, Dean and I are right here and we’ll stay with you.”

“I…” Cas started to speak, heard how choked his voice sounded, and let the words die in his throat. He didn’t know what to say, anyway. He’d disassociated into a vivid memory of the Leviathans and how they had ripped him to pieces. He felt a little sick, and could hardly stand to look at Sam right now. They were so concerned for him, but this particular memory had been all his own doing, his own fault.

And he’d ruined the fun time they had been having.

“I’m sorry,” he managed, still feeling strangled. His throat was tight, he realized. Was he going to cry? Crying wouldn’t help this. He’d brought it upon himself. There had to be a reason his mind chose now to show him this particular memory…

Sam scooted closer, laying his head on the pillow beside Castiel’s. He rested a hand in the angel’s dark hair and stroked Cas’s cheek with his thumb. Gently, so gently. 

“It’s okay, just breathe. Deep breaths in and out,” he soothed. Castiel still didn’t need to breathe, but he followed the instructions, trying to match his breathing to Sam’s. After what felt like a long time, the tightness in his chest and choking in his throat subsided. 

Sam and Dean held and comforted him, in no hurry to move. Cas was at once so grateful for their love that he could have cried, and so guilty that he wasn’t worthy of it. He didn’t deserve the love of even one person like this — both of them, that was pure selfishness. He couldn’t bring himself to hurt either of them by excluding them, though, so it was still the three of them.

“Still with us, Cas?” Dean murmured, kissing his cheek. “It’s okay, just say something so we know you hear us.”

“I-I’m here,” the angel replied hoarsely, taking one of his hands. He gripped one of Sam’s as well, the one that was not busy stroking his hair, and pressed shaky kisses to both of them. “I-I don’t deserve either of you…”

“Good thing we don’t agree,” Dean replied mildly. Sam said nothing, only continued to pet Cas’s hair.

The angel felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes.

“Yes, I-I’m…I’m grateful for you. Both of you.”

Sam leaned his forehead against the side of Cas’s, watching him in concern still.

“We’ll just sleep here with you,” he reassured the angel. “Keep an eye on you.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said again, miserably. He didn’t want to burden them.

“Shh,” Dean soothed from behind him, kissing his neck gently. “Don’t be sorry — we’re lucky we’ve got you, Cas. We’ll always take care of you, no matter what we planned to do. No special conditions — you say stop, we call it off.”

“I don’t WANT to stop,” Cas said sadly in return, feeling his eyes sting with tears. “I need to make progress. M-maybe next time you could just continue through it.”

“No,” Sam said immediately, and Cas felt Dean nod against his hair as well. “Cas, we don’t want to hurt you. That’s the last thing we want.”

“I didn’t say to stop,” Cas said stubbornly. Technically he hadn’t.

“Yeah, well it’s also our job to pay attention to you,” Dean informed him, sounding like he was frowning. “If it’ll hurt too much or you’ll get hit with Heaven flashbacks, we’re gonna avoid doing it.”

“This wasn’t…Heaven,” Castiel admitted guiltily. In his mind, that made it different. He didn’t really deserve their sympathy over this. “It was the Leviathans. That, I-I brought that upon myself.” 

“Hey.” Sam didn’t continue until Cas turned his head and met his eyes. He didn’t see anything but love in that gaze, deserving or not. Sam ran the hand from Castiel’s hair down along his cheek. “It doesn’t matter what you did, okay? We love you, Cas, and we’re not gonna hurt you.” 

“It’s done and over,” Dean agreed, scooting up closer against Cas’s back. He nuzzled his face up to the angel’s neck and his breath was warm, a reminder that Cas was here and not anywhere cold and dark. He couldn’t look away from Sam’s hazel eyes. The acceptance there, the earnest fondness, hit him with a sudden calm. 

They forgave him. Their sympathy wasn’t conditional to what Heaven had done — they forgave him for it all.

“Thank you,” he told them both softly, trying to glance back at Dean even though he was right against Castiel’s back. The older brother responded with a kiss against his neck and a slow, contented sigh. Reassured by that, Cas swallowed down any more guilt and tugged at Sam’s hair a little. The hunter smiled at him, warm like sunshine, and moved his face close enough for Cas to kiss him gently. 

Maybe it could still all turn out okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I wrote this as a sequel to Wants and Needs. We don't see Cas POV there, and from his perspective things are a lot more uncertain (and flashback-y.) Sam and Dean are doing their best to reassure him, though. Comments and kudos always appreciated!


End file.
